The Great Big Feature Story Boondoggle

I got to fuck up today in a rather big way, and it feels totally rotten. I've been working on a story for XYZ publication for months - it's actually a month overdue, a giant sprawling behemoth tale about image and message and meaning that I chased around for Too Damn Long seeking structure for, never really quite sure what the hell it was supposed to say or where it was supposed to go, but hanging on for dear life trying to Make the Damn Story Makes Sense. It never did, really, and I kept sorta waiting for the last bit of data to just appear that would make it all magically line up and become the kind of magic I've made before.

It's been YEARS (five, actually) since I had a story killed. I killed it, I guess, so overwhelmed and frustrated by the lack of direction I felt in it that I was a hair-pulling mess for most of this weekend, alternating between the twin poles of writing an ARTS STORY that nevertheless was highly politcal (no matter what the fuck anyone says, this weren't no fluff piece from the get go) and writing, of all things, a white paper for a Big Fat IT-solutions company, where the writing was dull and dry and technical but for which I was paid Much Much More. I've been writing arts stories since I was nineteen and I don't think I've ever been this lost (the last piece that got killed was for a _Famous Computer Magazine_ on hacking techniques that was so freakin' dull that I was psyched it got killed, because I got a $2500 kill-fee to hand over my notes. I doubt I'll be that lucky this time around - I'll shop this fucker somewhere else, or I'll just forget it, and keep taking on private for-hire clients.

Because journalism doesn't pay. Not only does the money suck, but you can step on people's toes pretty fast, and I did. I *was* a snarky little bitch on the phone with some nameless city official today, but after a magazine has you crawling up everyone's ass for weeks and then caves in completely when someone calls to complain, it sorta makes you wonder why you don't do every gig "for-hire" and leave the investigative speculative shit for the staff writers. I will never again wonder why there aren't more stories about "what's really going on." Start sniffing around into that, and people get their feathers ruffled pretty fucking fast - which is all fun and games until you get calls from your own publisher about your professionalism.

Fuck that. My BIG FAT IT-client paid $2000 for a four-page white paper that no one will ever read. It'll be shipped to a conference in Europe where someone will "present it" from glossy four-color dossiers that will look great in my portfolio. I wrote it in six hours and the client - again, one of the biggest big dogs in the industry - was absolutely overjoyed with my professionalism. I wrote something no one will read and got $2000 and a happy client. I wrote something no one will read and got no money, plus a burned bridge or two, a severed relationship I really wanted to keep because I just thought it would be nice to write for someone local about a local issue. You decide which course of action (and clientele) I'll pursue in the future.

I want to point no fingers. It was my fault for ever taking the assignment without really have a firm idea of what the hell the client (they call them editors in journalism, but they're still "the client") actually wanted produced. Along the way I searched for clarification but was lost in it. I have no excuses other than that I thought I was onto something, but in the end, I was just another faded ex-journalist looking for easier ways to make a living.

Never Again. I never wanna feel this lost on any job again. I want to scrutinize every idea before I say, "Sure, I can meet that deadline." I swear to goddess there's nothing I want more than to be working with people who think I have what it takes to meet my end of the deal. I want to have a reputation for unparalleled excellence and professionalism. I want to be able to turn around jobs so fast that I can be onto the next thing before the ink is dry. and I want to work for people who hire ME to write stuff for THEM because journalism is a bit too political for someone who can create leaps in thought and logic as quickly as I can.

A total boondoggle. I just hope I learn something positive from it, and soon.