The Season of Self

So when I started this blog, I didn't want it to turn into one of those silly personal diary blogs - for one thing, I don't have the stomach for people seeing me freak out in print, for another, it just seemed so damn self-indulgent. However, since July 19's post from vacation in San Diego I've been sorta talking a lot about me and what I'm doing, and I'm going to do it again, one more time.

It's been cathartic to post personal things here - for one thing, I've discovered that a lot more people are actually reading my blog than I would've thought. And I've always found that once something is "published" - even if it's just a blog, that thought is kinda out there and ready to be expanded upon.

On July the 25th, (jesus...was that really only a week ago?) I wrote about getting dumped at a picnic, which was probably the closest thing I've had to an actual cry for help on this blog. For months I'd just felt obsessed about the fact that I wasn't with anyone for more than "a date and a half" and so I wrote something about it on my blog and then posted an ad on craigslist about it.

I received over two dozen replies from this ad - most of them short notes saying things like "I know just how you feel" and shit like that. I had one woman tell me it was all my fault and that I must just be a really boring guy or something - I wrote back to tell her that I might be many things but boring wasn't one of them and offered to meet with her but she never got back to me ;-0 Some people just like to talk shit and not investigate any of their stupid claims, I guess. And I had one really memorable letter from a person who with I am now corresponding with regularly who has sorta helped me figure out what I actually want. (And we've met too, but you will get no details!)

I think I'd just been really desperate and crazy about it all because I really missed being in love. It's nice to be in love, but since I wrote that post and started corresponding with some of these people who replied, I've come to find that I don't really *want* a partner to live with - I'm happy being single and living alone - but I do want to date people with whom I can develop some meaningful relationships with, friendly and sexual. There's a fine line between living alone and living lonely, and I'd like to stay away from the latter as much as I can.

I think I'm feeling better about this now.