Do I Strike YOU as Hostile?

Today I received mail from someone who said that my "mails and blog-posts lately have been just dripping with hostility." No matter how I tried to dodge that one today, it stuck with me through everything - not that I might be hostile (I am - fucks-sake, I BLOG) but that it's a) so apparent to someone who reads me, and b) that anyone even notices, since I sometimes have a Really Hard Time thinking about why I shouldn't be hostile. (I sometimes wonder about the intelligence of those who are not.)

I'm not going to list All the Reasons Why I'm Hostile and Why I Frequently Burn With Hate. (You can read my blog, if you like, but I may prepare a list if you Ask Very Nicely.) Since 9/11, (you remember, the Day Democracy Died?) I have watched with utter horror and dismay as The People (not our leaders, mind you - of course they suck) have sorta learned to pretend that This Isn't Really Happening really quite effectively - and mind you, I'm not talking about the red states or the blue states or the flyover states or any of that fucking nonsense, I'm talking about what I've seen from the vantage point of liberal strongholds like Seattle, San Francisco, and Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Were it only my lot in life to be blessed with an obsession for little more than fine art and the presentation of food on a plate (the dual preoccupations of a city whose industries are Art and Lunch) then I might not burn as I do. After all, just this very evening I enjoyed a hand-prepared plate of lightly tossed egg noodles festooned with Italian sausage, bathed in a light cream-curry-ginger sauce that I whipped up in the kitchen all by myself, and over the weekend I had the opportunity to view some fairly decent art at Indian Market - (though Gregory Lomayesva's new piece over the fireplace at La Posada is still my favorite native american art-work in town) so I really can't say that I don't delve into the local distractions. And yet, I can't seem to wonder about the Really Big Shit going on, stuff like:

Q: If we're really in a war for oil (which even good liberals like me will tell you) then why the fuck is the price of gasoline rising about ten cents a week?

(Short answer: Because while we're blowing billions on wartime, China and India are snapping up every available oil contract they can find on the world market. Which begs the question as to Why The Fuck We're in Iraq - because it isn't the oil either.)

But I digress. Because I'm wanting to say nice things about what I have to be grateful for, all the neat shit that takes the pressure off the burn and makes me feel sorta hopeful about life.

1) I carry two passports. I am a citizen of the United States and Ireland - and I will be going back in less than a year. For how long, I can't say - but maybe I'll get to treat Santa Fe like so many other people do - as a little backwater where they can go to the opera and five-star restaurants and call the police whenever they don't like their neighbors. A country place to have a second home (in my case, an inherited condo, perhaps) and teach my kids about nature without having to actually live there.

2) Medicaid is still covering my medication. Goddess bless. Pity so many of my friends can't afford to have their teeth cleaned.

3) I actually sorta have fans for my work. They aren't a great big number, but some of them are mighty smart folks and that makes me happy.

4) My last court date in the city of Santa Fe is on Tuesday. I will plead guilty so my parents can get their five thousand dollars in cash extortion money back from the city. I will gleefully carry out my twenty-four hours of community service and serve out my probation from the safety of Albuquerque - far away from cops who take personal vendettas and drag people to jail on false pretenses. "So sue me..." As if I have the time. We're a long long way from the Berkeley Legal Defense Fund out here in Paradise.

5) I have a thick gaggle of weird friends all over the country. Most of them probably don't like my work, but they did buy my book - almost 250 of them. Very nice.

6) Thank to the Da Vinci Code, I know the Roman Catholic Church is quaking over the Goddess. Tremendous satisfaction there, even if so few people understand why.

7) Despite the fact that I never expect to make very much money (I haven't ever yet) I live with the knowledge that, in the words of the late St. Jude, that I am a roving intelligence who is always pondering some weird idea. I wish more people would.

So there you have it. My gratitude laid bare. Oh and one more:

8) What some might call hostility, I call passion. I am only in pain because I'm in love with the world.